Tennesse Tim's Weather Report (beta) - The ONLY Weather and Unsolicited Dating Advice App
The ONLY app that combines wild weather forecasts with even worse dating advice. Tennessee Tim delivers daily forecasts, gut feelings, and emotional turbulence—all in one beard-powered, pink-hatted package. Warning: 80% chance of unsolicited opinions.
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“Opened the app to check the weather, left questioning my life choices and texting my ex. 10/10, would get roasted by Tennessee Tim again.”
“Tennessee Tim told me it was going to rain. It didn’t. I got dumped. Coincidence? I think not.”
– Becky Sue From Accounting
“This app told me to ‘wear boots and trust no one.’ My ex showed up 10 minutes later.”
– Lyle D. Dangerfield
“Forecast said ‘emotional fog with a chance of poor decisions.’ Nailed it.”
– Dr. Wendy Von Waffle
“I asked Siri about the weather. She started crying and recommended Tennessee Tim.”
– Bluetooth Jerry
“Downloaded the app. Now I carry an umbrella everywhere and fear intimacy.”
– Brenda the Librarian
“Weather said ‘sunny with a 0% chance of marriage proposals.’ My boyfriend ghosted me.”
– Crystal Methany
“I get a heat index and a heartbreak index in the same sentence.”
– Kyle With the Anklet Monitor
“I opened the app and it yelled ‘YOU DESERVE BETTER.’ I cried. Then it rained.”
– Tina from the Vape Shop
“Tennessee Tim’s beard predicted a thunderstorm. It was correct.”
– Old Man Rusty
“The app told me to ‘ditch Chad and wear a poncho.’ Chad left. It rained.”
– Kaylie Rae Pumpernickel
“Got a push notification that said ‘storm warning: stop texting him back.’”
– Vanessa ‘Vortex’ Velasquez
“It’s like The Weather Channel got drunk, fell in love, and never looked back.”
– Buckley D. Broomhandle
“I asked for the dew point. It gave me a personality assessment.”
– Professor Donna Doom
“Tennessee Tim said it’s ‘raining men,’ but I still haven’t met anyone over 5’9”.”
– Tasha “Short King Slayer” Simmons
“Every forecast ends with ‘and remember, you’re enough.’ I’m sobbing in the CVS parking lot.”
– Janine from Aisle 4
“Weather: 74°F. Vibes: 3/10. Advice: ‘Maybe go outside, maybe don’t.’”
– Mason the Freelance Poet
“This app is like your Southern uncle giving life advice through a megaphone.”
– Rick ‘Moonpie’ Balderdash
“Told me to bring a jacket and lower my expectations.”
– Ellie Jo Bubblestorm
“I asked about snow. Tim said, ‘Baby, that’s cocaine. We don’t do that here.’”
– Todd Who Peaked in 2004