Jesse Bray

Tennesse Tim's Weather Report (beta) - The ONLY Weather and Unsolicited Dating Advice App

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The ONLY app that combines wild weather forecasts with even worse dating advice. Tennessee Tim delivers daily forecasts, gut feelings, and emotional turbulence—all in one beard-powered, pink-hatted package. Warning: 80% chance of unsolicited opinions.

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Jesse Bray
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“Opened the app to check the weather, left questioning my life choices and texting my ex. 10/10, would get roasted by Tennessee Tim again.”

Jesse Bray

“Tennessee Tim told me it was going to rain. It didn’t. I got dumped. Coincidence? I think not.”

Becky Sue From Accounting

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“This app told me to ‘wear boots and trust no one.’ My ex showed up 10 minutes later.”

Lyle D. Dangerfield

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“Forecast said ‘emotional fog with a chance of poor decisions.’ Nailed it.”

Dr. Wendy Von Waffle

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“I asked Siri about the weather. She started crying and recommended Tennessee Tim.”

Bluetooth Jerry

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“Downloaded the app. Now I carry an umbrella everywhere and fear intimacy.”

Brenda the Librarian

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“Weather said ‘sunny with a 0% chance of marriage proposals.’ My boyfriend ghosted me.”

Crystal Methany

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“I get a heat index and a heartbreak index in the same sentence.”

Kyle With the Anklet Monitor

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“I opened the app and it yelled ‘YOU DESERVE BETTER.’ I cried. Then it rained.”

Tina from the Vape Shop

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“Tennessee Tim’s beard predicted a thunderstorm. It was correct.”

Old Man Rusty

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“The app told me to ‘ditch Chad and wear a poncho.’ Chad left. It rained.”

Kaylie Rae Pumpernickel

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“Got a push notification that said ‘storm warning: stop texting him back.’”

Vanessa ‘Vortex’ Velasquez

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“It’s like The Weather Channel got drunk, fell in love, and never looked back.”

Buckley D. Broomhandle

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“I asked for the dew point. It gave me a personality assessment.”

Professor Donna Doom

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“Tennessee Tim said it’s ‘raining men,’ but I still haven’t met anyone over 5’9”.”

Tasha “Short King Slayer” Simmons

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“Every forecast ends with ‘and remember, you’re enough.’ I’m sobbing in the CVS parking lot.”

Janine from Aisle 4

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“Weather: 74°F. Vibes: 3/10. Advice: ‘Maybe go outside, maybe don’t.’”

Mason the Freelance Poet

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“This app is like your Southern uncle giving life advice through a megaphone.”

Rick ‘Moonpie’ Balderdash

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“Told me to bring a jacket and lower my expectations.”

Ellie Jo Bubblestorm

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“I asked about snow. Tim said, ‘Baby, that’s cocaine. We don’t do that here.’”

Todd Who Peaked in 2004